30 Things I’ve Learned Before Turning 30

It seems that I am turning 30 one month from today. I’m not quite sure how this happened, because I think I just moved to New York like four days ago and I was 22 when I moved here, so 30 seems unlikely.

It’s clichéd to say, but the last decade has definitely flown by. And while I’ve been asleep for about three years of that (seriously I did some {very basic} math) and super drunk for probably like four years of that, I think I’ve also managed to learn exactly 30 things along the way (isn’t that convenient) and I would very much like to share them with you.

1. A bacon egg and cheese on a whole wheat everything bagel will cure all that ails you.
2. If you want to wear a bikini, you should totally wear a bikini. Enjoy the sunshine and the water and your friends and don’t think twice about any extra flesh that may be jiggling around, because no one else will be thinking about it. BUT, if you just can’t get comfortable with all your goodies hanging out, don’t fear the one piece! They’re so damn sexy and glamorous these days.
3. Do more things that scare you. Like sing karaoke with your friends even though the thought of singing by yourself makes your stomach feel like it’s going to drop out of your vagina. Take a shot of tequila and grab the mic.
4. Take care of your mind. For me, that means reading a lot and teaching myself a new language and going to therapy when things seem too overwhelming to handle on my own.
5. Take care of your body. For me, that means sweating in new and fun ways and wearing more sunscreen and going to the doctor when something doesn’t feel right and eating more vegetables and whole foods.
6. Take care of your soul. For me, that means indulging in a marble cruller from Peter Pan Donut & Pastry Shop and getting day drunk at brunch with my best friends and seeing live theater whenever possible.
7. Let nasty people and the shit they say roll off you like water off a duck’s back.
8. You deserve to speak your mind, but you should do so compassionately.
9. If someone makes you feel less than or asks you to change things about yourself that don’t need changing, that person doesn’t deserve space in your life or your heart, even if you spent five years loving them and planning a life with them.
10. Most dogs and fat babies are better than most adult humans. Just the way it is.
11. When you’re getting hot and heavy with a guy and he tells you he doesn’t have a condom, you can and should say, “I’ll wait. There’s a bodega on the corner.”
12. When you make a mistake, take no longer than 24 hours to wallow in misery and feel bad for yourself, and then get the fuck over it and vow to do better next time.
13. When someone pays you a compliment, say thank you. Don’t argue or tell them why they’re wrong. It’s awkward.
14. Pay attention to what’s happening in the world around you. If you have an opinion, work to be able to back it up.
15. If you drink a million and one cocktails, down a full glass of water and some ibuprofen before you pass out in bed.
16. Let yourself be taken care of by people who love you. Then take care of the people you love.
17. Check the recipients of the email before you hit send. If you’re still nervous it could be seen by the wrong eyes, the email probably doesn’t need to be sent.
18. If you’re wrong, admit it and apologize. Don’t make excuses. Be a grown up.
19. When you see people being treated poorly, speak out against it.
20. If you wear leggings all winter long, you’re not going to notice if you gain weight because of all the pasta and the wine and the bagels. And gaining weight is totally fine, just like, don’t be surprised.
21. Say YES more often, but learn how and when to say NO firmly and graciously.
22. Find yourself a couple really good friends who will still be friends with you after you get drunk, throw up on their coffee table, and then sit down in the bathtub while they’re trying to help you shower.
23. Find excuses to be outside. Find excuses to escape your usual routine.
24. Debt is scary, so if you’re going to put yourself in a position to owe back a chunk of coin, be sure it’s for a good reason. I maxed my first credit card within the first year I had it by taking my first overseas trip to Ireland. I haven’t traveled nearly as much as I’d like to in the years since, so I’ve never regretted that trip for an instant.
25. If you’re planning on having more than one or two alcoholic beverages, maybe don’t wear high heels, lest you wake up on your friend’s couch the next morning with a softball-sized ankle.
26. It doesn’t matter how many people you have sex with. Your. “Number.” Doesn’t. Matter. What does matter is that the sex you have is SAFE and CONSENSUAL and that you’re having sex because you want to, not to make yourself feel whole or numb or anything other than a satisfied human being in control of your body. Some sex will be more meaningful than other sex, but I think there’s room for all KINDS of sex.
27. Tell the people you love that you love them.
28. If you’re hungry, you should eat food. Even if you’re on a first date and the person you’re with isn’t eating. Especially if you’re on a first date and the person you’re with isn’t eating. First dates are too early to show them your true hangry colors.
29. Being chronically late is not cute or charming. It’s rude and disrespectful of other people’s time. (But if I’m late, it’s the MTA’s fault.)
30. Things rarely work out the way you planned. If my life had gone the way my 12 year old self thought it would, I’d have been married for eight years by now and pregnant with my fourth child. (I would have had them all two years apart, of course. First a boy, then boy and girl twins, and then a girl.) But there’s beauty in the unexpected twists and turns life takes and the choices that led you to where you are and who you are. I so look forward to what the next decade has in store, but I know that everything that did or didn’t happen over the past 10 years has led me to this exact moment, this exact messy, funny, filled-to-the-brim-with-love life.