My self-summary
My name is Megan and I desperately hate that I’m still doing this shit.
I’m searching for a partner to fall bonkers in love with, who will also be madly in love with me. This man will want to make me breakfast on the weekends while I’m still sleeping and also make a lot of adorable, precocious children with me. The children will wear mismatched clothes and frog rain boots. We will have at least two dogs. They will be large and knock over our toddlers when they come running in from outside and get mud and hair everywhere, but we will all be 100% obsessed with them.
I’m from Colorado but I don’t ski or snowboard and I don’t really even smoke weed that often. I do like fresh mountain air and I’m perfectly (maybe too) content not showering and peeing in the woods while camping.
If I say I’m getting hungry, we need to find food. Quickly.
I feel like I might have an actual breakdown the next time one of you asks me if I’m dominant or submissive.
My love language is Words of Affirmation, so I will need you to regularly tell me how smart, funny, and pretty I am. Please and thank you.
Sometimes I really love and am proud of my body, and a lot of times I feel like almost everything about it needs fixing.
I cry a lot. Most of the time, it’s over nothing serious and I’m just watching a tv show / commercial / random online video. I also cry every time I hear the national anthem, and most hymns too, though I’m not religious. If you are afraid of emotional women, this won’t go well.
I don’t like being wrong but despite that, I am hoping that you’ll be smarter than me and I can learn from you daily. (Or maybe just be AS smart as me, but in different ways.)
Though I want people to think otherwise, I care deeply what others think about me.
What I’m doing with my life
I get to smooch fat babies every day, which is amazing, but I suffer from imposter syndrome and generally feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’m really good at
getting halfway to work and then convincing myself that I’ve left the stove on, even though I know I didn’t cook that morning.
ordering Seamless.
spending money I don’t have, but justifying it by telling myself it’s okay because I don’t have student loan debt. (Please be better at managing finances than I am.)
being either exceptionally lazy or exceptionally motivated. There is no in between.
sex. I’ve never polled my partners, but I would say I’m better than average. You will enjoy yourself.
The first things people usually notice about me
The food I’m shoveling into my face or licking from my fingers.
I am a large person. It’s not uncommon for me to look around a space and notice that I can see over everyone’s heads.
My dance instructor once told me I had “booty for dayyyyssss, bubba!”
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I read a LOT. Always have. I try to read things that will stimulate or challenge me in some way, but sometimes I read books like Confessions of a Shopaholic. If I’m reading, please don’t talk to me. I continue to be surprised by how many people don’t understand this.
My favorite movie is Dirty Dancing, even if I tell you something that makes me sound smarter.
I watch too much TV. It’s like a part-time job and I get unreasonably stressed out when I’m behind on my shows.
I love music, but not in the way that I know cool, hip, underground bands and see live shows at least once a week and make amazing playlists on Spotify. I like Top 40 hits that I can sing along to and dance to at weddings until I’m embarrassingly sweaty.
I like food. So much. Especially if it’s terrible for me.
The six things I could never do without
1. Yoga pants.
2. Breakfast. I do NOT understand people who can skip it.
3. Q-tips.
4. My phone. I don’t want to be addicted but I totally am.
5. My bed.
6. People who love me despite my many flaws.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
when one of you assholes is not going to be an asshole and make me feel like I could actually fall in love again.
babies. I spend a lot of time thinking about babies and how badly I want one. I won’t tell you that, but I am definitely thinking about it. But I won’t, like, poke a hole in the condom or anything…I’m not quite there. Yet.
Will I ever act again? Will I grow the balls to try to be paid for writing? Will I join the Peace Corps? Will I stay in New York or will I move and when I move, where will I go and what will I do?
whether or not I’m actually a feminist because I really want you to pay when we go out. I’ll always offer to split the check, but I really don’t wanna.
On a typical Friday night I am
really excited to go to bed.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I have a blog in which I recount tales of the worst of you and if we’ve slept together, my friends definitely know about it.
You should message me if
you have a job.
you have ambition.
you’ll always have my back.
you’re emotionally available.
you’d wear matching Christmas pajamas with your family.
you read books.
you’re psyched to be a dad.
you won’t be the type of dad who expects praise for “babysitting” his own kids.
you think Donald Trump is a national nightmare.
you’re that incredibly fucking sexy mountain man bartender from The Penrose.
you love and are close with your family.
you’ll still find me attractive when I have BBQ sauce all over my face.
you’re the type of guy who would surprise me with an Australian Shepherd puppy someday.
you’ll be able to make me laugh until I can’t breathe.
you want to put a ring on it before every last one of my eggs shrivels up and dies.
She Always Has Shit to Say 